Is Your House Haunted By Clutter?
Here’s something different for ya today!
The House That Wouldn’t Declutter: A Professional Organizer’s Worst Nightmare
I’ve seen some things in my career as a professional organizer. Closets that look like they belong in a horror movie. Junk drawers that defy the laws of physics. Kitchens where Tupperware lids go to die. But nothing—*nothing*—could have prepared me for the Johnsons' house.
It all started like any other job. The Johnsons were a sweet, normal-looking family (which should have been my first clue that something was terribly wrong). They had called me in desperation, saying their clutter was “out of control.” So, armed with my label maker, donation bins, and an optimistic spirit, I arrived, ready to bring peace to their home.
I should have turned and run when I saw the front yard. Garden gnomes. Hundreds of them. All staring. All smiling.
But I was a professional. I pressed on.
The First Sign Something Was… Off
Inside, the house looked typical for a busy family—piles of papers, overflowing closets, and enough mismatched socks to build a second family out of fabric. I got to work immediately, starting with the entryway.
“Let’s clear this shoe pile first,” I said, cheerily grabbing a pair of sneakers.
I turned to place them neatly on the rack. When I turned back, the shoes were right where I had picked them up.
“Huh,” I mumbled. Maybe I was more tired than I thought. I tried again. Same result.
I laughed nervously. "Alright, Johnsons, very funny. Who's messing with me?"
They just stared. "We told you. The house… it won’t let things go."
The Horror of the Living Junk Drawer
Now, I’ve had sentimental clients before—you know, the ones who swear they might need that charger from their 2006 flip phone. But this was different. Every item I removed magically reappeared. Toys that should have been long lost whispered "Play with me." Expired pantry items from 1998 sat proudly on the shelves, refusing to be discarded. The worst offender?
The Junk Drawer
It growled when I opened it.
Inside: tangled cords, old receipts, a single AA battery (dead, of course), and what looked like a coupon from the Mesozoic era. I reached in to toss something, and the drawer yanked my hand inside.
That was when I knew. This house didn’t have clutter. The clutter had the house.
The Final Showdown
I did what any professional organizer would do in a haunting:
1. I tried to reason with the house. “Listen, you don’t need 47 plastic grocery bags. We can let some go, okay?”
2. I sprinkled a circle of Marie Kondo books around me for protection.
3. I called a priest. He asked if the house was built on an old storage unit burial ground.
Finally, I resorted to my last hope: The KonMari Exorcism.
I stood in the living room, surrounded by cursed clutter, and took a deep breath. "These items have served their purpose. I thank them for their service… AND NOW I RELEASE THEM."
A wind rushed through the house. The walls trembled. The garden gnomes fell silent.
And then, one by one… the objects disappeared.
The Johnsons cheered. The junk drawer hissed one last time and collapsed in on itself.
The Aftermath
The house, now free from its hoarding hex, seemed lighter. The air smelled fresher. Even the gnomes looked a little less creepy (but only a little).
The Johnsons, forever grateful, gave me a five-star review—though they did warn me that their vacuum sometimes still spits out dust bunnies in protest.
And me? Well, I still love my job. But I do sleep with one eye open now.
Because somewhere, in the shadows… a junk drawer is waiting.
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Have you ever had a clutter situation so bad it felt haunted? Let me know in the comments—unless your junk drawer won’t let you. 😉
